I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We had to coat check the pizza.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We had sex on a dog bed..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FUCK WHALES
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
