I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
