Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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