you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
