On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Tell her she can't have a vagina
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
