i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
