He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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