Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
