does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
