It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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