this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
