Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
