we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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