Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
