I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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