I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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