I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
