I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
