dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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