Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Blood and glitter go together right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
