my mouth tastes like poor choices
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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