i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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