I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
