you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
