true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize