Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
