Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
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