so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
