I met the friendliest cop last night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
