He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
