I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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