did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
