how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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