I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
