And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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