Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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