Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
