just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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