Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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