i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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