I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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