Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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