I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
