There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
