Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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