I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I want to fling myself into the sun
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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