I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
