I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful