I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
