i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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