When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
