You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
