This is not my ceiling
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
