billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
