Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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