my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
