You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize