i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
