i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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