I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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