While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
