I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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